Fuck the Peace That Silenced Me

I wore calm like a gag, like silence was supposed to taste of salvation. I let their comfort crawl down my throat and choke the man that wanted to scream.

They told me healing
meant being easier to swallow.
So I cut the parts off
that stuck in their throats.

Bit my rage in half.
Smiled while bleeding.
Said “I understand”
while something behind my ribs
was already loading the next strike.

I wore calm
like a gag,
like silence was supposed to taste of salvation.
I let their comfort
crawl down my throat
and choke the man
that wanted to scream.

I bled politely.
I broke quietly.
I trimmed the rough edges of my words
so they’d clap when I spoke.

And they did; they clapped.
Right after they left.
Right after I made myself soft enough
to be disposable.

But that version of me,
the sweet one,
he died gasping,
torn apart from the inside
by everything he wasn’t allowed to say.

I clawed my way out of that corpse
with blood in my mouth
and fire on my breath.

I stopped healing
like I wanted peace.
Started healing
like I wanted revenge.

No sage.
No crystals.
Just fists against walls
and a voice
that stopped asking
to be heard.

I pulled out every apology
I was trained to keep ready.
Ripped them up.
Swallowed the pieces.
Let them cut me on the way down.

They told me
I was getting better.

What they meant was
You’re easier to control.

But I’m not looking to be safe.
I’m not a fucking bandage
for someone else’s comfort.

I kept the parts that scare them.
The growl.
The pressure.
The stillness before something gets broken.
I sharpened what was left
and wore it out loud.

I don’t want to be palatable.
I want to be a warning sign
they see
and still think they can handle
until it’s too late.

If my healing
makes me easier to love,
then I’ve healed into a cage.

Because this kind of healing
burned every bridge
I built from silence.
This kind of healing
ripped every false hand
off my shoulder.

Let them leave.
Let them gag
on the man
I refused to neuter.

Beyond the Bruise:

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☕ Buy Me a Coffee keeps ink alive.
📖 My books carry the longer story.
👕 Shadow Thoughts merch wears the dark.
🕊 Healing Thoughts holds the softer breath.